just dull thoughts from a grown up

If you had told me when I was 24 or younger, that when I was 40, I would do the following A L L on the same day (and in less than two hours) I never would have believed you.

Why would I not have believed you?

What I remember about being young (and the thoughts about being a grown up) involved having a job/career.  I never really put a lot of thought into "dream weddings" nor did I really like playing with dolls.  I had college-bound thinking, with a career to follow.  What it meant to be a "wife" or a "mom" never really came into my thoughts.  Of course, I hoped to have a husband someday.  But as to the particulars of what that meant.  It never really took up much of my thinking.  Which I suppose is fairly odd considering I was raised a Latter-Day Saint where much of our talk was about families and all that goes along with it. I suppose that all felt so far away.  Always in the future.  Nor did a lot of thought go into making sure that husband made a lot of money.  I suppose partly because I thought that I would have a career and I never really cared a lot about money.  Especially after my awesome stint living in New York City.  

What did I care about? 

To be honest, I don't really know what I thought about.  As a child, I suppose living for the moment was what I did. In my teens and 20's, I made a lot more goals and lived in the future much more so than I do now.  Looking back, I'd say that I liked to have genuine experiences and genuine friends.  I like the real thing.  No faking it here.

Present tense living is where I am now and it's rather strange to be in such a place.  Especially in this day and age.  Everyone is always asking about plans for the future.    

This morning, I woke up with no plans in particular during the day, except going to see Liam sing at the Jubilee of Tree.  Scarlett fell asleep at 10am, which rarely happens, and was still asleep at 11:15am, thus going to see the Sunset Express went out the window.  Along with my telling Liam that I would be there.  I wasn't there.  I wish I had been.  My morning was dull, boring, and uneventful. I had no motivation to do anything when there was everything (in the house) that needed my assistance. I'm over it.

Not being able to go see Liam (and keeping my word) really got me moving.  

Opening the fridge and finding the rest of the corn, from M Y garden, that needed to be blanched and frozen or eaten. I'll start there.  (It's already been over a week since we husked it.)

'What the heck is blanched?'  That is what past tense Tana would have said, along with other correlating subject matter. 'Cooking? Gardening? Being one of the CEO's of a family of five children. What the what?'  That's what I would have said and looked at you with a quizzical expression because I was going to be a career woman and whatever went a long with that.  The art of being a "household manager" -- what is that?  

Corn blanched.  Hmmm...should we have that for dinner.  Along with...the fish in the freezer that I do not know what to do with...and some rice.  Ok.  

But first, there is a whole heck-of-a-lot-of-apples-cut-from-last-weeks-party-that-did-not-get-eaten.  I didn't want to throw them away, it's like throwing money away, but I didn't want to eat the soggy old things.  So, let's make apple pie filling.  Ta-da! It's like magic.  Turning soggy, week old apple slices into delicious, caramel goodness.   

Again. This is something that present Tana knows exactly what to do.  But would I E V E R have thought that this would be a part of my future.  Nope.  I suppose I thought food magically appeared on the table.  I roll my eyes at past Tana.

Apple pie filling done.  Also, the rice was in the crock pot, the fish (unfrozen and seasoned the way some recipe on the internet said was good) in the oven.  

Now, time to make Laundry Detergent.

just 45 seconds

I saved my baby's life tonight.



I was in the girls room doing a detail cleaning job.  Organizing the boxes, containers, and bags that India fills up with all sorts of things.

Skye was tickling Scarlett on the bed.  Scarlett was laughing, and then she started to cry/laugh, and Skye grabbed her around the waist and tried to put her on her lap.  But Scarlett was struggling to get away.

"Let her go, Skye."

Scarlett stood up and looked up at me.  I looked at the bed, there was a small piece of a green Jolly Rancher.  I thought that was why Scarlett was upset.  Because her candy fell out of her mouth.  But her cries turned to terror, and she did the long cry where you are thinking "Breathe! Breathe!"

Aaron came running into the room. Scarlett's face was frozen in a wail.  She never drew any breath in.  "She can't breathe!" Aaron said.

I grabbed her and flipped her upside down and pat her back 2-3 times.  Her whole body went slack.  I put my arm around her to feel in her throat.  Her mouth was clamped shut.  "I can't get her mouth open!" I forced my finger into her teeth and pulled her mouth apart.  Stuck my finger into the back of her throat and swept back and forth.  All I felt was her tonsils.  No foreign object.

I flipped her onto her back.  She was laying slack on the bed.  Her eyes were glassy, wide open.  Her mouth and lower cheeks a blue-ish color.  I could've sworn, I heard Aaron say, "We are losing her!"

I did two chest compressions. And she started to cry.

And cry.  The most glorious sound.

As I sat cuddling her on the bed, I realized the severity of what had just occurred.  From the time the tickling to the chest compressions was a matter of 45 seconds.  I began crying.  Aaron said that all he had said was "NO! NO! NO!" So either I thought "We are losing her" or this was whispered into my consciousness so that I would take action.

As we talked about what happened, the only thing we can figure is that she had found another Jolly Rancher and had it in her mouth, along with the green one that fell out of her mouth onto the bed, and while being tickled it got lodged in her throat.

India, sidled up to me and said, "You need to call Grandma."

"What? Did you say I need to call Grandma?"

"Yes.  You need to call Grandma.  Your mom.  And tell her what happened."

This sweet angel of a girl is only five years old.  And my one year old Scarlett lives tonight to see another day.

To say I am humbled and grateful do not fully encompass how I feel tonight.

My baby is alive.

just two parties

Two parties.

One regular.  The other, not.

Strangers.

One simple act.

Called Kindness.


Yesterday, while I was at Chili's serving,  a beautiful string of moments occurred giving me renewed hope and faith in the goodness of people.

I'm lucky enough to be able to serve a couple, who are regulars at Chili's.  It always brightens my day to serve them.  They are a beautiful couple who epitimize what it means to love unconditionally.  Both have lost much.  One has to watch the other's mind get lost and live in a world who often misunderstands; and therefore, they are often treated unkindly by business' and people.

But not today.

As they were entering the restaurant, four people of a younger generation and a darker color of skin, opened the door for this couple, treated them like they should be treated.  Showed them to keep fighting the good fight.  One party was sat in my section, the other, on the opposite side of the restaurant.

Upon me first greeting them, I was asked, 'if you would please make sure that the party of four have their drinks added to my ticket' and told me of the Act of Service, of Love, rendered.  'Please make sure they know who it was from and why.'

The returned gift of love was expressed.

One of the four was talking to their server, asking which table it was that showed kindness towards them.  Luckily, I was able to step in and explain.  "You opened the door for them, you gave them respect and kindness when usually....that doesn't happen.  It's often....the opposite."  This kind, dark, handsome man's eyes softened with only what I could call love and empathy when he realized who it was that they'd showed love towards.  He handed me a $20 bill (since I was the server who was lucky enough to be a participant in the affair)...I looked at him to question how much change was needed.

None.

Keep it all:  "Tell them God bless and Thank You."

I about lost it right there.  The tears started to well....

Isn't life filled with such opposites?

Sometimes those opposites fight each other and others;  compliment.  Making each other more vibrant, dynamic, and beautiful.

These are the moments I live for and help me to keep hoping, keep trying, it's all worth it in the end.  Good does conquer.

Tis the season to be a little kinder and love a little more....

just skye

Nothing could have shocked me more than the moment I was sitting in Snow Canyon High School's auditorium waiting for the Choir concert that was to start in 30 minutes and I heard Skye singing.  I looked up to see her practicing her solo part.  My heart soared.

Skye had told me she was doing a solo.  But I had no idea it was so "SOLO"!

Her voice rang out sweet and true.  She didn't hesitate.  It sounded so beautiful.  I could have run up and hugged the choir teacher for taking a chance on her.  If she sounded that good for her warm-up, I couldn't wait for the real thing.  I was also SO excited for Aaron and the grandparents to hear her sing!

7 pm came and there Skye sang.

Sound and true.

In front of 100's of people!

Of course, we had no recording device.  Luckily, our fellow friend with a special angel for a son, recorded this for us.  What a treasure! Worth more than any amount of money.

As time passes by, and Skye continues to struggle and be...well, Skye...I look back at all the times where so much was unknown, how we tripped along doing what we thought was best for her, but not really knowing for sure.  But there she goes, singing about the misfit of a reindeer who gave hope to Santa and saved Christmas.

I have a feeling Skye came to my home to save me, to save her whole family.

Through her struggles we've gained an immense amount of knowledge about things I never thought about before, her siblings don't FEAR the things other children fear, nope! They take that special persons hand, ride down the slide with them, and protect them from the bullies.  That's what Skye has given them...empathy, understanding, and love.

We love our little misfit: seems like she fits in!

just cats

Pets.

Tobe was our first cat.  We had him fixed and his front claws removed when he was 4 months old.  He was supposed to be a strictly indoors cat.  We got him while we were living in our first apartment in Ogden in the Summer of 2001.  He was our first baby as a married couple.

Now, I didn't particularly like cats.  I wanted a dog.

Aaron hates dogs.

Aaron is usually pretty laid back about most things.  But the things he is not laid back about don't ever change and you can tell he REALLY won't ever come around.  I realized, "We better go with a cat."

We moved into our 2nd apartment a few months later.  This was a 2-bedroom, it did have a yard, but we lived on a very busy street in Ogden.  Tobe couldn't be let loose to roam at 815 N. Washington. I did buy him a leash.  Did you know, cats refuse to be walked?

When Tobe was 2 years old, we moved into my parents basement.  He was grumpy.  The only people in the house who like him were Aaron and I (i.e. not my mom, not my dad, and definitely, not Toni).

At a little over 3 years old, we moved into Lexington Hills.  He was still grumpy.  About a year later, we let him go outside for the first time (at night).  It was scary. But, he was still there in the morning and he was HAPPY!

I've been thinking a lot about Tobe and cats lately.  The two cats we have now do A LOT that Tobe NEVER did (or at least, rarely).  We had Tobe for 13 & a half years.  We are now on our 3rd and 4th cats in the 15 1/2 years since we first became pet owners.  Strange to have gone almost 14 years with only one cat, to having had 4 cats in less than 2 years.

Enter Kitty #2 & #3: Sirius Black and Severus Snape. The Grim Brothers.

We didn't declaw them because we knew they'd want to go outside.

Dream kittens, really. Rarely meowed. Kept each other company.  However, they did scavenge for food the way Tobe never did.

We only had Severus for a year. He was the cat I always wanted (i.e. blue coat, purred like a diesel, gentle, laid back) with one exception: he drooled (just like Tobe).  But then, one day he never came home.

Sirius' behavior began changing about 1 1/2 months after Severus disappeared.  He was attention starved, which before he never really cared if we pet him. He was a rascal. Sev was the lover. I believe Sirius truly missed his brother & he was needing a new companion.

Enter Snape (who was named that by the previous people).  He was born a week after Sev disappeared. He was 5 weeks 6 days old when we got him.  He looked like a fuzzy bear cub.

Sirius hated him.

Well, at first.

Now, they scavenge for food together. Hop on the counters. Snape sleeps in the sink. Poops in the bath tub, the boys closet, under the piano, in the plants....well, we've tried to put a stop to all pooping except in the litter box.

the litter box

This has been a whole new can of worms.  It was never an issue with Tobe. Rarely stunk.  Took at least a month before it did stink. Aaron did the litter box.  For 13 1/2 years.

Enter the realm of two cats.

It stinks.

most of the time

It has been an on-going problem.  It has become my new mystery to solve.  Like getting the kids to do chores.

A chore program/chart is created, works for 2 weeks and then, we must create a new chart/program.

Ever evolving.

Behavior programs and litter boxes.

just thanksgiving

It's been a long time.  I'm up late. It's 3am.  I've had some blankets to mend and a few other things.  I'm done with them now.  But I started "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" and now I don't want to turn it off.

As I was sewing by hand, the fabric that had torn or come apart, I realized how mending these blankets and clothing (to be honest, it was a pair of Phoenix's underwear) was therapeutic. It feels good. It feels right. There's something about the love that I have for my family that is woven into these hand-mended items (I have a sore middle finger to prove it).  Especially because of which blankets they are: The Sunflower blanket and The blue patch work quilt my mom made for Aaron.  The Sunflower blanket is Skye and Phoenix's favorite.  It's the comforter that Skye sleeps with daily.  This is not the first time I've had to mend it.

Mending is an interesting action.  If I didn't mend the blanket, chances are it would be in complete disarray.  But because I've taken the time to do so 2-3 times, it still looks brand new. Well, mostly. It looks loved.  I think this is the case in all aspects of life.  We need to care for the relationships and things in our life if we want them to last.  And this movie goes hand in hand with this line of thought.

I hadn't seen this movie since the theaters.  It's so good.  I'm trying to figure out if it's something that Liam might like to watch. It's fairly cerebral, so I don't know if he'd be able to follow it all the way through.  It's an amazing perspective on the 9/11 ordeal.  I'm so excited to take Liam to Ground Zero.  To experience together, for the first time, the memorial there in NYC.

It's in the quiet moments in the middle of the night.  When time slows down.  Time for me to think. Ponder. Be grateful for my life.  My kids.  My husband.  All of my blessings.  I am indeed grateful on this day of Thanksgiving.

just "boo"

Apparently the Pearl Jam Ten Club made my Bootlegging Angel pull his amazing recording.  BOO! BOO! BOO!  All I can say is, "I'm saddened and deeply disappointed." (Sorry, I had to say it.  It sounds so presidential, right?)